Monday, February 13, 2012
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My father sits on the couch, a man in his sixties, and watches Fox News. Recently, I'd taken it upon myself to rip the chord from his radio, and cut it in two with a pair of shears. That was done so that he would no longer be allowed to sit in the garage, in the hundred degree heat, smoking, drinking, listening to Rush Limbaugh shovel shit through the speakers- doing nothing more than torturing the man, and twisting his back so that he cannot sleep at night.
So now my father sits and watches fox news, he watches our country fall apart, and he laughs. But it's not just him, oh no, I stand in line at the post office and have to listen to a geezer behind me gloat about how these government institutions are falling apart under the current administration. In stores I hear old hags cackle and talk about how they're gonna see that "boy" out of office.
So people tell me, well just ignore them. Easy for many to say- those who do not carry the legal burden I do, those who still have a chance to work.
I watch these elders, whom we are supposed to respect, laugh about the world we youths are inheriting fall apart.
This is the sort of thing that makes me almost wish death panels were not just a sick GOP dream.
I ask my father- "What the fuck are you so happy about!?"
"I told you!" he replies, "I told you this was gonna happen!"
"So what?" I say.
"So, I was right!" he gloats.
"Okay, thanks dad, what the fuck did you do in your sixty some years to prevent this from happening!?" I asked utterly dumbfounded.
"I voted republican," he says.
And here is my reply:
"You voted republican, you bought into a lie, you might as well have voted democrat because it doesn't matter. You did nothing, you voted for lies and stood by expecting the politicians to do their job. You paid taxes to make them rich, to fund their sick schemes, the very things that are causing terrorists to kill us now. You stood by and suckled the cock of your precious institution, and now you are going to die in shit, you are going to all die in shit. The baby boomers are a joke, a fucking joke. And the worst part is, we are inheriting the dirty diapers of a generation that never grew up and learned to wipe its own ass.
How can you elders stand in judgement of us youths? Us youths that had our childhoods stolen from us because of your lies, your sick obsession with facades that crumbled and brought us through horror after horror? How dare you try to have a say in this country's future, you abandoned us. We are orphans of your stupidity and greed. We kill ourselves slowly, there is little hope left among my generation.
I hope you had a fun ride."
This was met with the slam of the garage door, seeing as he'd walked away as I spoke stabbing words of truth.
OOOO, you wicked wicked naive fools, what have you left for your children?
So now my father sits and watches fox news, he watches our country fall apart, and he laughs. But it's not just him, oh no, I stand in line at the post office and have to listen to a geezer behind me gloat about how these government institutions are falling apart under the current administration. In stores I hear old hags cackle and talk about how they're gonna see that "boy" out of office.
So people tell me, well just ignore them. Easy for many to say- those who do not carry the legal burden I do, those who still have a chance to work.
I watch these elders, whom we are supposed to respect, laugh about the world we youths are inheriting fall apart.
This is the sort of thing that makes me almost wish death panels were not just a sick GOP dream.
I ask my father- "What the fuck are you so happy about!?"
"I told you!" he replies, "I told you this was gonna happen!"
"So what?" I say.
"So, I was right!" he gloats.
"Okay, thanks dad, what the fuck did you do in your sixty some years to prevent this from happening!?" I asked utterly dumbfounded.
"I voted republican," he says.
And here is my reply:
"You voted republican, you bought into a lie, you might as well have voted democrat because it doesn't matter. You did nothing, you voted for lies and stood by expecting the politicians to do their job. You paid taxes to make them rich, to fund their sick schemes, the very things that are causing terrorists to kill us now. You stood by and suckled the cock of your precious institution, and now you are going to die in shit, you are going to all die in shit. The baby boomers are a joke, a fucking joke. And the worst part is, we are inheriting the dirty diapers of a generation that never grew up and learned to wipe its own ass.
How can you elders stand in judgement of us youths? Us youths that had our childhoods stolen from us because of your lies, your sick obsession with facades that crumbled and brought us through horror after horror? How dare you try to have a say in this country's future, you abandoned us. We are orphans of your stupidity and greed. We kill ourselves slowly, there is little hope left among my generation.
I hope you had a fun ride."
This was met with the slam of the garage door, seeing as he'd walked away as I spoke stabbing words of truth.
OOOO, you wicked wicked naive fools, what have you left for your children?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
King lear howls as his grave fills with bloody oil
In response to Mr. Talley.
(PIL- Public Image ltd.)
That is why I call them republicrats, political transformers, bigots in disguise. It's like when the nazis fell and the "communists" took over in Germany, there was still a state police, they just changed uniforms.
I was arrested on the evening that Barrack Obama was elected, since I put up a fight, the cops were confused, and one of them asked "Why are you getting all worked up tonight? Didn't your BOY win?" I snarled and spat at him, which is why I'm on probation.
I said, you fool, I didn't even vote, because he is no different in my eyes than George W Bush, and he will remain so until he proves himself to be different.
I will not get into how pointless it was to argue with the small minds in uniform, but I do not talk, I take a stand, and that showed me the ignorance of every day people.
Right now, they don't understand. The republicans and democrats are arguing in public, and relaxing together in private strip clubs laughing about how we lap up every foolish display they make.
There is no winning side in this tale of two fools, this tale of two cities we repeat, there is no winning, only compromising, and that is folly.
It becomes a mess of pricks and bullies, it breeds hypocrisy, and that breeds the frustration that leads to terrorism.
I say close the book, throw out the elephant and the ass, and start remembering people, not isms, not parties, not institutions- intentions and bloody actions!
Barrack Obama said it was his intention to bring change, I knew that was an outright lie, he's done nothing but try to preserve our nation's status, and when people started realizing he was just the same old hypocrite, when they got angry, I laughed in their faces and told them, "I WAS SAYING THAT ON ELECTION DAY!!!"
Ballots are bandages and cannot mend this sickly bent system, bullets would only create more wounds, what we need is a vaccine. An infiltrating substance that will honestly worm out the bureaucracy and mindlessness, that has allowed the blind to lead the blind for centuries.
But alas, everyone still bows to the almighty dollar, they still cringe at the concept of losing the state. And again and again we sacrifice our integrity, paid for by the suffering of people in other countries, and now it's coming back to us.
It's King lear all over again:
EDGAR This would have seem'd a period
To such as love not sorrow; but another,
To amplify too much, would make much more,
And top extremity.
Whilst I was big in clamour came there in a man,
Who, having seen me in my worst estate,
Shunn'd my abhorr'd society; but then, finding
Who 'twas that so endured, with his strong arms
He fastened on my neck, and bellow'd out
As he'ld burst heaven; threw him on my father;
Told the most piteous tale....
His grief grew puissant and the strings of life
Began to crack: twice then the trumpets sounded,
And there I left him tranced.
GONERIL This is practise, Gloucester:
By the law of arms thou wast not bound to answer
An unknown opposite; thou art not vanquish'd,
But cozen'd and beguiled.
EDMUND In wisdom I should ask thy name;
But, since thy outside looks so fair and warlike,
And that thy tongue some say of breeding breathes,
What safe and nicely I might well delay
By rule of knighthood, I disdain and spurn:
Back do I toss these treasons to thy head;
With the hell-hated lie o'erwhelm thy heart;
Which, for they yet glance by and scarcely bruise,
This sword of mine shall give them instant way,
Where they shall rest for ever. Trumpets, speak!
EDMUND
What you have charged me with, that have I done;
And more, much more; the time will bring it out:
'Tis past, and so am I. But what art thou
That hast this fortune on me? If thou'rt noble,
EDGAR Let's exchange charity.
I am no less in blood than thou art, Edmund;If more, the more thou hast wrong'd me.
My name is Edgar, and thy father's son.
The gods are just, and of our pleasant vices
Make instruments to plague us:
The dark and vicious place where thee he got
Cost him his eyes.
KING LEAR Howl, howl, howl, howl! O, you are men of stones:
Had I your tongues and eyes, I'ld use them so
That heaven's vault should crack. She's gone for ever!
I know when one is dead, and when one lives;
She's dead as earth. Lend me a looking-glass;
If that her breath will mist or stain the stone,
Why, then she lives.
KENT Is this the promised end?
Cordelia, Cordelia! stay a little. Ha!I might have saved her; now she's gone for ever!
What is't thou say'st? Her voice was ever soft,
Gentle, and low, an excellent thing in woman.
I kill'd the slave that was a-hanging thee.
And my poor fool is hang'd! No, no, no life!
Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,
And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,
Never, never, never, never, never!
Pray you, undo this button: thank you, sir.
Do you see this? Look on her, look, her lips,
Look there, look there!
Dies
ALBANY The weight of this sad time we must obey;
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.
The oldest hath borne most: we that are young
Shall never see so much, nor live so long.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I fight the cloud of forgotten passions
Do you remember when we streamed down the line of the Pacific ocean, just two brash radical cats lost in oblivion? You have to remember, you must, the nights we spent together
with no sound but the burning of our guts.
You must remember, me, sheathed in you,
our kisses were rosy blue, the wind threw your hair like
a head of wheat that soughed Medusa style
we were lost
in the ocean of youth, do you remember? The tune that bled
from the car stereo speakers?
do you remember the stains of our love that breathed lives?
do you remember that dark that I could fight off, with you by my side?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Usurp the reality, create and idea, to catch a glimpse of majesty (Invest in the future)
I cannot say that communism, which would lead to socialism, is the ultimate answer- the cure all for the human race; though to me, those ideas seem to be the next logical step in our evolution as a world inhabited by human beings. To simply close your mind to such concepts because of words, the betrayals and falsities that have come in the past, is to forever cripple our race in any attempt of advancement.
We found ourselves going to the moon merely to gloat, but now we must consider going to the moon because we've ruined this world and we're human, colonization, civilization is key. We just must remember to keep our heads. To not be a world of infinite Icaruses forever falling and polluting the ground with melted wax.
I cannot say that Communism, which would lead to true socialism, the terrifying misunderstood word of anarchy; I cannot say that it would be our utopia. But I will go to my grave shouting that it is necessary for the survival and future of our race. I will Shout, and work hard, to show people, through true actions, that it is so simple to not refer to this world as a disgrace. The undeniable horror for the old world is an idea whose time has come - I quote Hugo Chavez who quotes Victor Hugo.
We must go there, for the sake of sanity. But we mustn't lose our heads. We mustn't think we are all divine, that our ideas are truths. That one god is better than the other, or that there is no god so there is nothing to lose. Because there is something to lose- it's called integrity. And if the masses wish to be pacified with the simple solution of how things have always been- just so they don't have to put in too much effort, they might as well be caged in zoos to fling shit with the other primordial apes.
I want to see communism, socialism, to come true, not so I can say I WAS RIGHT!!!!! I want communism to give us socialism so that during that reign, we can progress, and in the future, there will come another idea, another ism. I want to go there, to see the beautifully painful birth of a new idea.
We found ourselves going to the moon merely to gloat, but now we must consider going to the moon because we've ruined this world and we're human, colonization, civilization is key. We just must remember to keep our heads. To not be a world of infinite Icaruses forever falling and polluting the ground with melted wax.
I cannot say that Communism, which would lead to true socialism, the terrifying misunderstood word of anarchy; I cannot say that it would be our utopia. But I will go to my grave shouting that it is necessary for the survival and future of our race. I will Shout, and work hard, to show people, through true actions, that it is so simple to not refer to this world as a disgrace. The undeniable horror for the old world is an idea whose time has come - I quote Hugo Chavez who quotes Victor Hugo.
We must go there, for the sake of sanity. But we mustn't lose our heads. We mustn't think we are all divine, that our ideas are truths. That one god is better than the other, or that there is no god so there is nothing to lose. Because there is something to lose- it's called integrity. And if the masses wish to be pacified with the simple solution of how things have always been- just so they don't have to put in too much effort, they might as well be caged in zoos to fling shit with the other primordial apes.
I want to see communism, socialism, to come true, not so I can say I WAS RIGHT!!!!! I want communism to give us socialism so that during that reign, we can progress, and in the future, there will come another idea, another ism. I want to go there, to see the beautifully painful birth of a new idea.
I want to see people accept a jesus that won't get crucified because I see a lot of people saying they need him, though they are usually the first to condemn, silence and kill the people that confront them with that idea. Until we have a gentleman's congress again, the world is full of talking heads, and each time you vote for a fancy puppet, the noose gets ever tighter around the neck of progress.
Which presents three options: we can reconsider our case, and gain ground so that we can loosen the rope and breathe again; we can let ourselves hang, lingering, waiting to die of suffocation; or the terrible option of writhing, trying to get enough movement so the noose just breaks the neck and that is all.
Generations before us got to dream, why can we not?
Which presents three options: we can reconsider our case, and gain ground so that we can loosen the rope and breathe again; we can let ourselves hang, lingering, waiting to die of suffocation; or the terrible option of writhing, trying to get enough movement so the noose just breaks the neck and that is all.
Generations before us got to dream, why can we not?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sufjan Stevens is a sexy Jesus
I feel like Sufjan Stevens is holding back because this is a vile exploitative world.
Friday, December 10, 2010
There's a tear in my beer and it's bugged (The Nazis had style)
Never engage in a political discussion in the lobby of a doctors office. Never should one affront news in such a tender condition. Two television screens, slapped on the walls- distraction comes in wondering what degree the temperature of the room is- in Fahrenheit. Two screens with opposing talking heads, two talking heads talking and talking- they create comfort but one might wander to wonder if they even stop to think of all the talking they've done.
To a being from another world these opposing hungry hungry hippos constantly chomping spitting out words at a rate that does not allow proper digestion, only the warm soothing drone of whatever political tone you might take, would seem obscene. Their jowls chomping spitting out rancid news.
Now on the screens, almost synchronized, there is a common theme. Here we are, we've found it, our hate week! Who is our Leon Trotsky!? Who's the communist!? Who's the Osama!? Who's the Goldstein!?
No no no no no non no no no!!! That is soooooo 2010, think of the future!!!! Eyes on the prize!
There we are, and rightly so, that a criminal should come from and island founded by criminals. The audacity of an Aussie to come here and shake us up- Lou Dobbs was right, immigration is a manifestation of Satan. We must kill all immigrants....not counting us because we're right, and this is our land, NOT your land.
Atrocious that this Anarchist should be aloud to slander our liege- The Federal Government. It gives us so much! who is really shocked here? Who is calling treason? The politicians, they've named him an anarchist, why, that is very funny because I've never heard the man speak for action to gain a world without government. Oh, but yes, I'm mistaken, for you see an anarchist is someone that causes chaos, apparently.
Newspeak is to encourage the ignorant to misuse our words with just the right amount of arrogance. It is funny that we have such gentlemen in power that know so little about actual politics.
So an anarchist causes chaos, and should be punished. What did the FBI do in the 1960's? Ask protesters to politely be quiet? No, they founded COINTELPRO. What is COINTELPRO, mein furher? Well my future leader, come and sit on Der Furher's knee and we'll have a little chat about COINTELPRO.
luckily we had a slimy stooge
Now there should be mentioned that some good did come out of the program, it conducted an all out war on the Ku Klux Klan (does anyone believe that a true member could even spell that out correctly?). On the same note, while they were protecting the freedom riders, they were also billowing a heavy cloud over none other than Martin Luther King jr..
Ah, just surrender, just admit defeat. Please, we want to keep your image warm, to go on would make us fearful. To go on would make us monsters.
As a meth head once said to me about the experience of being strung out, while we were pushing loaves of bread into an eternal oven at a chain bakery: "The thing about you and me is, we know that monsters are real."
I'll never forget the fear in his eyes that took me back to all the times I failed to see light.
Yes, the inspiration for the character "Cameron" is actually a living human being, and as fucking ugly as the caricature.
Now I can little explain the danger of this man, well, not danger, just the outright unnecessary existence, but come, click and have a read: http://www.eastcountymagazine.org/node/3023
And what would we do if the easily led people just said- the hell with it and gave this man a little bit of power?
My phone was tapped because I called him one drunk night trying to have a conversation, but the smug old bastard hung up on me. Little did I know that he and his brother would be linked to a bombing in Arizona eventually.
So what if he does run for congress? Congress, what prestigious positions in Washington 'eh Senator Craig?
All this espionage, all this tiptoeing around things that we know are there. Kenneth Patchen once said, "Let us have madness, openly", I don't think politicalphiles understood that they're us too.
It was a terrible wreck, but we were so free at first. We can make this right, we can, despite what our forefathers claimed. This is politics, see, ya get what someone else decides you get. In the end we do have the head, but the brain.....it keeps moaning.....
LET ME DIE!
To a being from another world these opposing hungry hungry hippos constantly chomping spitting out words at a rate that does not allow proper digestion, only the warm soothing drone of whatever political tone you might take, would seem obscene. Their jowls chomping spitting out rancid news. Now on the screens, almost synchronized, there is a common theme. Here we are, we've found it, our hate week! Who is our Leon Trotsky!? Who's the communist!? Who's the Osama!? Who's the Goldstein!?
No no no no no non no no no!!! That is soooooo 2010, think of the future!!!! Eyes on the prize!
There we are, and rightly so, that a criminal should come from and island founded by criminals. The audacity of an Aussie to come here and shake us up- Lou Dobbs was right, immigration is a manifestation of Satan. We must kill all immigrants....not counting us because we're right, and this is our land, NOT your land.
Atrocious that this Anarchist should be aloud to slander our liege- The Federal Government. It gives us so much! who is really shocked here? Who is calling treason? The politicians, they've named him an anarchist, why, that is very funny because I've never heard the man speak for action to gain a world without government. Oh, but yes, I'm mistaken, for you see an anarchist is someone that causes chaos, apparently.
So an anarchist causes chaos, and should be punished. What did the FBI do in the 1960's? Ask protesters to politely be quiet? No, they founded COINTELPRO. What is COINTELPRO, mein furher? Well my future leader, come and sit on Der Furher's knee and we'll have a little chat about COINTELPRO.
Back while dick was still a little chubby, there was already a war going on in the shadows of America. The beauty of our country is the freedom. Freedom to say what you want to say- do what you want to do, get locked up for both things, and spied on too. There is freedom for spying, a plethora of spying. It was almost as if we wanted to out terrorize the KGB. There are COINTELPRO files for almost everyone! From Bukowski to the black panthers.Now THAT'S true Democracy, no discrimination! Not even when taking away the people's rights!
luckily we had a slimy stoogeNow there should be mentioned that some good did come out of the program, it conducted an all out war on the Ku Klux Klan (does anyone believe that a true member could even spell that out correctly?). On the same note, while they were protecting the freedom riders, they were also billowing a heavy cloud over none other than Martin Luther King jr..
He had no shame and could stoop to any level that he wanted to. He had the Federation's blessing.
-They blackmailed MLK with a supposed affair, they told him what he should do,
Ah, just surrender, just admit defeat. Please, we want to keep your image warm, to go on would make us fearful. To go on would make us monsters.
As a meth head once said to me about the experience of being strung out, while we were pushing loaves of bread into an eternal oven at a chain bakery: "The thing about you and me is, we know that monsters are real."
I'll never forget the fear in his eyes that took me back to all the times I failed to see light.
At best this guy is just another perverted CEO, but they are making him one hell of a scapegoat. And still the people pay.
Not to mention my own personal case. The delicate letter from the federal government telling me that my phone had been tapped. My phone had been tapped? Why!? I researched the numbers and I concluded that it must've been Tom Metzger.
Most wouldn't recognize the little troll if they saw him spewing his nazi views on a street corner. Luckily pop culture has given us an eye into his world.
Now I can little explain the danger of this man, well, not danger, just the outright unnecessary existence, but come, click and have a read: http://www.eastcountymagazine.org/node/3023
And what would we do if the easily led people just said- the hell with it and gave this man a little bit of power?
My phone was tapped because I called him one drunk night trying to have a conversation, but the smug old bastard hung up on me. Little did I know that he and his brother would be linked to a bombing in Arizona eventually.
So what if he does run for congress? Congress, what prestigious positions in Washington 'eh Senator Craig?
It was a terrible wreck, but we were so free at first. We can make this right, we can, despite what our forefathers claimed. This is politics, see, ya get what someone else decides you get. In the end we do have the head, but the brain.....it keeps moaning.....
LET ME DIE!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Two poems real tight like
Cosmic karma
I walked abreast and chattity chatted with an
off duty Santa Claus; Outside the clothing outlets,
all were chains.
Our noses were raped by perfume that screamed,
scents of eternal leather from the shoe shops!
Frolicking children with smeared smiles full of missing teeth
waved gaily, adults smiled knowingly, adolescents in
bright blue fuzzy slippers gazed on with awe that
burned through their wide eyes.
Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas-
I horse laughed and sang:
"An unbroken foot.
Frankly, I could live off of cucumber sticks and humus.
A brand new heart!
And eternal bliss for my closest friends-
with a touch of sorrow at just the right moments."
He said:
"I think I can handle the cucumber sticks and humus."
I horse laughed like god when he watched the land masses
crash to make mountains-
He asked me why I'd want a new heart
so I shook my fists like I was a politician grabbing the ankles
of every man just to shake the last bits of change out
and told Santa my heart was scarred.
He laughed and shoved me, "Scarred by your own passion-
but my how those scars shine!"
WHEN GOD MET MARY MET JOSEPH MET SAND AND
MANGER EVERYTHING WENT WRONG
And there was laughter the day the stars fell from the sky,
but they were not stars, but visitors. Their beauty made me cry.
You saw those tears pour from the ducts
and licked them off my face,
my eyes were blue, red, and olive
with touches of burnt umber.
Your eyes were coffee that steamed in white cups on saucers
viewed from above.
Should I touch your hand? I asked the fan coral reef that grew in
the under water Eden we did meet in,
should I slide fingers upon the fine
skin of your arms? If I pull you close
it is because you appear to be trembling,
foolish girl I have infinite suns with which to warm you,
or do you not tremble from the cold, but from the warmth I give
which causes your blood to boil?
You're a lovely harpy, with your talons in me,
I pull at your prussian blue feathers, pull you down-
my hands run up your back as they do with
a virgin canvas
spread taut
Your stomach a drum for my tongue,
grip your sides- NO!
that's been done before, now a new path to your
temple is what I need to find. So that there's no
bullshit between us
I'll tell you to beat me- face up, love!
And I'll respond with fangs
my nectar will seep into your veins and I'll
find my way to your valley,
I'll plunge my tongue into your canyon
like a mighty flesh river sent down from a righteous cloud,
I'll feel the walls moisten and give back
Succulent minerals to ripen the land. And with my comet teeth
I hit the tip of a mount so sensitive
The earth quakes, the galaxy shivers,
The universe shakes
We unite turn yellow, red, blue- then white
And
Explode
Across oblivion
Molecules upon molecules
Of love for the
New species to dream of.
I walked abreast and chattity chatted with an
off duty Santa Claus; Outside the clothing outlets,
all were chains.
Our noses were raped by perfume that screamed,
scents of eternal leather from the shoe shops!
Frolicking children with smeared smiles full of missing teeth
waved gaily, adults smiled knowingly, adolescents in
bright blue fuzzy slippers gazed on with awe that
burned through their wide eyes.
Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas-
I horse laughed and sang:
"An unbroken foot.
Frankly, I could live off of cucumber sticks and humus.
A brand new heart!
And eternal bliss for my closest friends-
with a touch of sorrow at just the right moments."
He said:
"I think I can handle the cucumber sticks and humus."
I horse laughed like god when he watched the land masses
crash to make mountains-
He asked me why I'd want a new heart
so I shook my fists like I was a politician grabbing the ankles
of every man just to shake the last bits of change out
and told Santa my heart was scarred.
He laughed and shoved me, "Scarred by your own passion-
but my how those scars shine!"
WHEN GOD MET MARY MET JOSEPH MET SAND AND
MANGER EVERYTHING WENT WRONG
And there was laughter the day the stars fell from the sky,
but they were not stars, but visitors. Their beauty made me cry.
You saw those tears pour from the ducts
and licked them off my face,
my eyes were blue, red, and olive
with touches of burnt umber.
Your eyes were coffee that steamed in white cups on saucers
viewed from above.
Should I touch your hand? I asked the fan coral reef that grew in
the under water Eden we did meet in,
should I slide fingers upon the fine
skin of your arms? If I pull you close
it is because you appear to be trembling,
foolish girl I have infinite suns with which to warm you,
or do you not tremble from the cold, but from the warmth I give
which causes your blood to boil?
You're a lovely harpy, with your talons in me,
I pull at your prussian blue feathers, pull you down-
my hands run up your back as they do with
a virgin canvas
spread taut
Your stomach a drum for my tongue,
grip your sides- NO!
that's been done before, now a new path to your
temple is what I need to find. So that there's no
bullshit between us
I'll tell you to beat me- face up, love!
And I'll respond with fangs
my nectar will seep into your veins and I'll
find my way to your valley,
I'll plunge my tongue into your canyon
like a mighty flesh river sent down from a righteous cloud,
I'll feel the walls moisten and give back
Succulent minerals to ripen the land. And with my comet teeth
I hit the tip of a mount so sensitive
The earth quakes, the galaxy shivers,
The universe shakes
We unite turn yellow, red, blue- then white
And
Explode
Across oblivion
Molecules upon molecules
Of love for the
New species to dream of.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Tanka for Max
Something is gone now
Have you left us, or are you
A dream stuck in hills
With a whiplash of your tail
The clouds disperse sad rain.
Have you left us, or are you
A dream stuck in hills
With a whiplash of your tail
The clouds disperse sad rain.
Invisible Tears (a story)
It wouldn’t take a genius to see right away that Jenna’s kid would’ve turned out to be one fucked up adult. Though it always seemed like it could’ve easily taken one brave person to stop all that nonsense. Instead everyone just tried to look the other way. Even I just looked the other way, even when it was right in front of my face.
I found out on the count of grandma getin’ sick. She’d been smellin’ real bad for a week before we noticed the gangrene. It’d always been my duty to do the up keepin’ with her though. So when it came time we realized she was rotting away, it became my job to pay for all the medical expenses.
Me and her shared a room- if you could call it sharin’. In a double wide there’s never much room. Though it ain’t as bad as a trailer I suppose. That’s the big joke ‘round here, everyone says we live in the mansions of the trailer park.
What I remember most since my birth was grandma’s breathin’ machines. They used to pump all night, the canister had a blue box on it with little red and green lights and I’d fall asleep with only that gaspin’ and those tiny red and green lights on my mind.
Ma and dad taught me early on to take care of her, on the count of that they were workin’ all the time and didn’t have the money to take on help. I remember changin’ her diaper for the first time with my ma.
She made it a point to say so sternly: “Jimmy, you can’t get sick and cry ‘cause I aint gonna get sick and I aint gonna cry; we just don’t do that- understand?”
I didn’t know what she meant ‘till she’d already pulled down grandma’s drawers and opened up that shitty diaper. I tried so hard not to run away. Even when the puke started comin’ up my throat. I swallowed it back down cause I knew ma would never let me hear the end of it if I got it on her carpet or bed spreads.
It wasn’t exactly the shit that made me sick, or the piss. I’d seen that stuff before, it wasn’t that. But her crotch looked somethin’ aweful. All shriveled up and dry, stained with her own mess, the thick matted hair all gray and mangey lookin’ between her fat shriveled thighs.
I just figured I didn’t need to see that.
The thing is it got easier to do it. Just sorta grew cold to it after a while. I knew it had to be done, seein’ as me and grandma shared a room and I knew if I didn’t get to doin’ it my parents never would and I’d have to start livin’ in that filth myself.
It went like that for a few years goin’ good and all until one day we realized the stench wasn’t goin’ away with all the changes of diapers. At first I wasn’t gonna say nothin’ cause I figured ma and dad would just lay into me somethin’ fierce about not properly takin’ care of her. But it got bad and after a while there was no hidin’ it.
Ma was the first to notice the stench in the hall. By then I’d almost grown used to it, I was out in the the little lot behind our double wide that was supposed to be our back yard. I was sittin’ in the garden flippin’ through an old national geographic magazine I’d found in the closet. I looked at all those far off place with the people lookin’ so different. It all seemed so far away, so unreal. The thing I hated the most about it was they all seemed so happy in the pictures. Either happy or content, like they knew some meanin’.
That was when I heard ma screamin’ for me at the back door. She’d investigated the stench, but seein’ as I’d already changed the diaper she saw it wasn’t that and looked further. Took the bed sheets off, completely stripped her and that’s when she found the rot.
The doctor said her blood must’ve stopped reachin’ her feet for some time now, or somthin’ like that. He said they’d have to take off the left one up to the knee, the right one at the ankle. Of course it was all my fault as my dad saw it, so I had to start lookin’ for ways to start helpin’ pay for the hospital care. That’s when I started into the baby sittin’ business, the only real thing a boy my age could do ‘round here. That and walkin’ dogs. But most the folks there were old and had small dogs and they didn’t like me walkin’ them.
*
Jenna was my neighbor, she was, “as pretty as they come,” as my dad put it. But she got pregnant right after her dad died from a black widow bite on the count of him not getin’ any treatment for it on the count of them bein’ so broke. Her dad died and she got pregnant by Guss McComb from the other side of the trailer park. He was an alright guy, used to give me these small cigars to smoke sometimes when he and his boys would be sittin’ ‘round his drive way drinkin’ beers. He’d let me sit with them for a while and smoke, lookin’ tough while they talked about a lot of things I’d never heard of.
He and Jenna were a well known item round the park even though she was seventeen and he was twenty-three. She used to sing some song by that dead girl Aaliyah called “age ain’t nothin’ but a number”. She sounded real pretty when she sang and I liked it even though I always figured that age had to be somethin’ more than just a number though, cause why else would we put so much worry into how old we was?
Guss and Jenna started getin’ real close when Jenna’s dad died and her momma was spendin’ a lot of time in the city workin’ long hours at a job no one knew too much about, tryin’ to clean up the money mess her dead dad had left behind. Or so Jenna said. I don’t think she thought too highly of her momma. But she had loved her dad, that’s for sure.
Jenna sure was pretty back then, I figured that if I was older I would’ve wanted her to be my girl. But I knew I was just a shit little kid, so I watched her and Guss and it made me feel a little nice to be close to that kinda thing.
Guss said he took her clothes off. He said he took off her underwear and played with her parts. He asked me if I knew what a pussy was. He said it’s what girls got that we don’t. He said it felt good when we put our dicks in them, all that talk made mine get real stiff.
But all I could think about was that mangey gray matted mess between my grandma’s legs.
Guss said Jenna was a virgin. He said he liked virgins cause they had to be taught everythin’ and he liked teachin’ them. He said doin’ it with them was like tryin’ to hold a fish outta water the way they’d squirm…
*
Jenna cried real hard when she found out she was gonna have a baby. Guss did a lot of screamin’.
I was sittin’ out on the porch with one of Guss’ friends from the city. He gave me one of those cigars and I smoked it but it tasted real funny and made me feel weird. I got real thirsty and dizzy. I choked a bunch and did a whole lot of coughin’. Guss’ friend just laughed out clouds of white smoke that smelled like burnin’ plastic from somethin’ he was breathin’ in from a light bulb.
Guss and Jenna were in the kitchen, I could see them through the torn screen door. They were at each other’s throats. Jenna kept sobbin’ sayin’ she’d get a job but Guss kept sayin’ to just get rid of it.
I wanted to ask Guss’ friend what he meant by that but I was feelin’ too sick to speak.
Guss and Jenna stopped yellin’ and went into one of the back rooms of the double-wide. I figured they were goin’ to Guss’ room so their rucous wouldn’t be heard all around the lot.
Guss’ friend was done with the light bulb and was pickin’ at his face lookin’ at his reflection in the window. I spotted a big plastic soda cup full of water and grabbed it to kill my thirst. Right away, though, I choked and spat out a few cigarette butts and black ashy liquid.
Guss’ friend laughed lookin’ at my reflection next to his, but then he went right back to pickin’ at his face.
I figured that Guss and Jenna must’ve done some fierce fightin’ cause when they came back they looked awfuly tired. Jenna sat down on the ground beside me, she had a red tender spot on the middle of her right arm and she kept itchin’ her nose. She looked awefully worn out.
Guss asked his friend for somthin’ called a spliff, I figure he must’ve been talkin’ about what I had smoked earlier cause he made a motion toward me and Guss just laughed.
“Why you lil’ peckerwood!” he cried with a tired sorta smile, “I’ll need to remember to keep my eye on you.”
He bent over and kissed Jenna on top of her head real gentle. Then as he turned to go back in the double wide he lightly whack her on the back of the head as if to wake her up from her dreamin’ and said:
“Go, on get that boy home, we’ll talk ‘bout this later.”
Jenna lived just down the road from my double wide. As we walked she told me ‘bout when she and her dad used to sit around and listen to the radio. She said his favorite song was “Brown Eyed Girl” by some fella named Van Morrisson that I’d also heard my dad talk ‘bout. She said she used to dance for him all ‘round the livin’ room when that song come on. I think all that talk about her dead dad mad her sad cause she didn’t speak anymore about nothin’ after that until we reached the front of my trailer.
“Guss is just like daddy sometimes,” she said with eyes that looked like they were shinin’ and I wondered if she wasn’t gatherin’ up some tears.
That was the last time I saw her until the baby was born. They brought it home around thanksgivin’ when the leaves were beginnin’ to turn. A lil’ baby boy, they named him Keith. My momma and my dad took me over to Jenna’s house and it was just us, Jenna, Jenna’s momma, and Guss sittin’ ‘round the livin’ room lookin’ at the little thing. It looked real red and weak. It looked like it couldn’t think nothin’, it just glared with empty eyes and it’s tongue hangin’ out a little. It kinda made me think of my grandma…
Guss said I was gonna be the god father and they all laughed- ‘cept I think it was Jenna that had insisted and I think she was serious cause she wasn’t laughin’. Jenna had found a job at the wheat mill and Guss was fixin’ cars on top of doin’ other odd jobs no one got into the specifics about. But he had people stoppin’ in at his house all the time so I supposed he must’ve kept busy.
Either way, on the count of me needin’ the money and me bein’ so close to them I fell into takin’ care of the kid. I’d have to tend to my grandma, changin’ her diaper and makin’ sure she ate; and then go over and change Keith and make sure he was eatin’ too. I’d usually have to stay there with him or take him back to my double wide if grandma needed tendin’ to.
Guss and Jenna weren’t very friendly to each other anymore after Keith came along either. They’d always be fightin’, durin’ the time we did spend sittin’ on Guss’ porch or on his driveway, they’d be tearin’ into each other ‘bout somethin’ new all the time. Guss always had a bunch of different guys hangin’ ‘round there and they would smoke cigarettes or stuff in pipes and laugh and joke. They said the baby was the worst thing that ever happened to Keith and that he should sell it on somethin’ called the black market. I guess he could get a lot of money for it there.
But their fights always ended the same. They’d go in that back room for a while and come out all tired and Guss’d tell Jenna that he talk to her about it later and to take me home.
I figured maybe Guss should’ve sold that kid on the black market. It would’ve saved us all a lot of trouble. But I can’t complain much cause it got me outta the doublewide for most’ve the day, which was good cause grandma’d started actin’ real strange and would let out loud cries in the middle of the night and durin’ most of the day. My dad said it probably meant it was close to the end.
I figured that her life endin’ didn’t sound so bad at all by then.
*
One day I was watchin’ Keith at Jenna’s momma’s doublewide when Jenna stormed in unexpectedly, she walked back to her room and Guss ran in after her. There was an awful lot of commotion and Keith started cryin’ so I took him out on the porch and craddled him tryin’ to get him to stop. I kept sayin’ to him: “You can’t cry cause I can’t cry, we just don’t do that you understand?” but he just kept on cryin’. I was holdin’ him, cradlin’ him but he was screamin’ I kept sayin’: “You can’t cry, we don’t cry here- understand?” but it was doin no good.
Jenna and Guss had stopped screamin’ but doors were slammin’ inside. I heard them go into the bathroom, lock the door and turn the shower on.
Keith just kept screamin’ like if he screamed enough at me I’d make all the bad stuff in this world go away. But I just kept sayin’, “Stop your cryin’ we don’t cry here, understand? We don’t cry here you fuckin’ baby.”
The shower was mostly what was heard from inside the double wide but my head was in a whirl and Keith wouldn’t let up. I was bitin’ my lip real hard. In my mind I could hear the pumpin’ of the oxygen machine and see the green and red lights shinin’ so bright as I began to scream at the baby to over power his cryin’.
Then some weird cries came pourin’ out under the static of the shower runnin’. They were still havin’ little arguments though they were tryin’ to stop the anger with lust.
And Keith was still cryin’, so I just started shoutin’:
“We don’t fuckin’ cry here! You understand!? WE DON’T FUCKIN’ CRY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR SO GOD DAMN SPECIAL THINKIN’ YOU CAN COME HERE AND CRY WHEN NONE OF US ARE EVER ALLOWED TO!?”
But I noticed then that I was cryin’ too. And shakin. I was shakin’ the baby. And the cryin’ then that I was hearin’ was mine, not his. When I opened my eyes I saw the limp little body in my hands with drool drippin’ out it’s mouth, snot pourin’ out it’s nose, it’s eyes all wide and black. Lifeless.
I didn’t know what to do. I said his name over and over, tryin to get him to snap outta it, and even though I knew he was dead I couldn’t help but feel like this was all just a joke.
The shower was still sprayin’ inside so I knew I still had time to figure out what I was gonna do. I was surprised at how little I panicked after comin’ down from that freak out and gainin’ my reality back through necessity. I felt real cold and suddenly a lil’ bit alive. Like I’d just been waitin’ for somethin’ that annoyin’ to push me to do somethin’ that wrong and break down my life.
I knew then that I’d have to lie a bunch. I knew I would never get blamed for this and it would be my favorite secret that I’d keep ‘till the end. I knew I couldn’t hide him anywhere, I knew I couldn’t do anything ‘cept to make it look like an accident that I had nothin’ to do with.
I took him inside and put him in his crib. I closed his eyes and straightened his head and covered him with a blanket. He looked just like any other normal sleepin’ baby did. I figured they might even blame it on that crib death I’d read about in the national geographic magazine. I went out on the porch and found a stub of one of them small cigars and lit it up.
Smokin’ those made me feel real grown up. I could feel myself growin cold inside.
After a while the bathroom door opened, Guss went to the bedroom and Jenna came out to the porch in a pink robe with a towel wrapped ‘round her head. She asked me where Keith was and I shushed her and pointed at the crib to say he was sleepin’. She looked awfully tired again, and she was itchin’ her nose somethin’ aweful. She pulled out two cigarettes and lit them both givin’ one to me, so I threw that old cigar stub out onto the lawn.
I rarely got to smoke cigarettes, but I took to it quickly puffin’ to try to forget there was a dead baby inside waitin’ to be found. Jenna looked real drowsy, like she was about to fall asleep sittin’ there smokin’. But she started talkin’, and she seemed to like the sound of herself talkin’ cause she just started outta nowhere and went on ‘bout things we didn’t usually talk about.
“It’s all bad Jimmy,” she said soundin’ sick. “The world’s turned rotten.”
I just sat there quiet thinkin’ about my grandmas rottin’ body. Rottin’ alive. I started thinkin’ about how soon Keith’d be rottin’ too. And the how Guss and Jenna and me and Jenna’s momma and my momma and my dad- we’d all be rottin’ one day.
Jenna started itchin’ her nose. She opened her heavy eyes a little bit and held out her hand with her pinky finger extended.
“I’m gonna tell you somethin’” she said, “but you gotta pinky swear on your balls that you won’t tell no one.”
I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew that whatever she had to tell me couldn’t possibly be as bad as what she’d eventually have to find out. I felt like she had to get somethin’ off her chest, so I hooked her pinky with mine and swore to silence. I figured it’d be the least I could do after accidently killin’ her Keith.
“Keith ain’t Guss’ kid.” She said. “I knew I was pregnant before I ever let Guss touch me.”
Somewhere in the park I heard a bunch of dogs start barking somethin’ vicious, up in the sky the coulds were getting’ real brown and it looked like rain.
“My ma had been hookin’ ever since my pa up and died.” She was leanin’ back in the chair with a tired look of disgust on her face. “Truth is, she brought a man home not too long ago who’d done her up real bad. Had her tide up in the bath tub and stuck shampoo bottles up her ass.
When he was done with her she was unconscious for couple hours. And he camed to my room an’ had his way with me. I was too sick to fight it on the count of the medicine Guss gives me.”
I’d never heard her mention “the medicine” before until that moment, even though it didn’t make sense I didn’t bother askin’ questions.
“Guss’d been tryin’ to get in my pants for two years but I’d always fought off his advances. Thought I was gonna wait ‘till I was eighteen so we could get married, I wanted to get outta here. My momma never said nothin’ to me about that man, I guess she thought he’d just left after havin’ his way with her, and I didn’t want to say nothin’ cause I know how hard momma’s been workin’.”
She took a drag from her cigarette and exhaled a thick cloud of smoke.
“Besides, when I found out I had a bun in the oven I had a plan right away,” she looked at me sinisterly and went on, “I knew Guss wouldn’t’ve had anythin’ to do with me if I wasn’t no virgin, so I told him right after I found out that I was ready. We did it and a few days later I told him the news. Poor guy had no reason to think other wise. I been tryin’ to make it as easy as possible for him, but I just had to find a way to make sure he’d marry me.”
I had been chewin’ on the filter of my cigarette outta fear and it’d turned into a shredded mess in my mouth.
“Truth is I’d thought it’d be fine, but I can’t live like this no more.” She said takin’ a drag from her cigarette, lettin’ the long ash fall onto her robe- she seemed to be fallin’ more and more into dowsiness. “I been spendin’ lots of time tryin’ to find my momma’s money, I finally found out she’s been keepin’ it in the hallowed out bible under her bed. I figure when she has enough I’ll take it and me and Keith could run to California or New Mexico and try to get a new start.”
She started seemin’ real tired, real real tired, she let her head hang a little to the side. “I love keith…he’s such a perfect…..lil’ baby…..boy….” she said in a childish voice that gave me the shivers as she trailed off to sleep.
I snuffed out what was left of my cigarette, walked over to her and shook her gently to see if she would easily wake up but she didn’t. I reached in her robe pockets hopin’ to find anythin’. I felt real sick for some reason, I think all that explainin’ Jenna did made me see things the way they really was and I kinda just realized that everyone was just tryin’ to get by. Everyone had ways to trick others into helpin’ their lives roll along. It was like one big tricky family that I no longer wanted anythin’ to do with.
I a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from one pocket, in the other pocket I found a needle, like the kind they use at the hospitals to give people shots. I guess that’s what she and Guss used to do their medicine. I put it back in her pocket and went inside.
I walked into Jenna’s momma’s bed room where Guss was passed out half naked on the fold out sofa bed. He was snorin’ awefully loud so I just walked right in and didn’t take no time to think about nothin’. I found the bible under the bed and opened it, inside the hallow there was a large stack of bills- mostly hundreds. There was also little pouches of powder and some tary lookin’ stuff wrapped in shrink wrap. I took the money and the powder but left the gooey shit and put the bible back under the bed.
One bag of powder was white and the other was yellow. I didn’t much know ‘bout drugs but I’d seen those crime shows where criminals always put tiny lines on a mirror and breathed it up their noses so I figured I could get the hang of it real quick.
On my way out I stopped and took one last look at Keith. He was getin’ real blue by then and a little bile had come up and started pourin’ out his mouth. I stood over him and thought- what makes you so special, thinkin’ you could come here and cry when none of us is allowed to? Then I covered him up with the blanket and walked outta the trailer. Jenna was still passed out and her bath robe was comin’ undone, she’d gained a bit of weight while she was holdin’ the baby and the stretch marks were still jagged and purple on her soft while belly. I could just barely see one of her tits hangin’ there, I stroked it for a second and then I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. That was the first real time I’d ever kissed a girl, and I think it only felt right cause with the towel comin’ undone off her head she looked like she was already dead.
I walked back to my double wide. My parents weren’t gonna be home for a long while so I knew I could take my time to escape.
Somehow, then, the idea of not seein’ them ever again began to sound like somethin’ special to me. I threw some of my old ratty clothes in a napsack, along with some old national geographic magazines. I counted out the money and figured I had to have enough to get me somewhere. Jenna’s momma must’ve worked awefully hard.
Before I left to make my way to the bus station that was three miles down the farm road I took my dads old CD walk man and searched through the dusty stack of CD’s he kept under the work bench out in the small shed behind our double wide. I’d never been one to listen to music but I knew my dad was, and I knew Jenna and her dad was too. I found Van Morrison’s greatest hits and put it in, I had to change the batteries cause they were all white and caked with acid.
Eventually I got it started and put “Brown Eyed Girl” on repeat. I was about to walk out the double wide and leave that park for good, when I thought about somethin’ and turned back. I went into my room and set the napsack down. I took my pillow off my bed and went over to my grandma’s bed. She’d been hooked up to that machine all my life. It felt like I spent my whole like cleanin’ up other people’s messes. I felt real alive then, cause it felt like I was finally makin’ the messes.
It seemed real peaceful then when Van sang: “Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah- La dee dah!”
I took the oxygen mask off grandma’s face and covered it with the pillow. I held it there while the machines started seemin’ to panic. She only twitched weakly, but I could tell that in some way she knew what was up. So I held it there, I didn’t let up till the spasms stopped and everythin’ seemed to go cold. That’s when I lifted up the pillow and smelled the smell that told me she’d shit herself when she died.
But I felt fine, cause I knew I didn’t have to change that diaper no more, or any others for that matter. And I seemed real calm, especially since she didn’t cry. Because I couldn’t cry.
And in my ears Van Morrison sang:
“Do you remember when, we used to sing-
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
La dee dah”.
-August 18, 2009
I found out on the count of grandma getin’ sick. She’d been smellin’ real bad for a week before we noticed the gangrene. It’d always been my duty to do the up keepin’ with her though. So when it came time we realized she was rotting away, it became my job to pay for all the medical expenses.
Me and her shared a room- if you could call it sharin’. In a double wide there’s never much room. Though it ain’t as bad as a trailer I suppose. That’s the big joke ‘round here, everyone says we live in the mansions of the trailer park.
What I remember most since my birth was grandma’s breathin’ machines. They used to pump all night, the canister had a blue box on it with little red and green lights and I’d fall asleep with only that gaspin’ and those tiny red and green lights on my mind.
Ma and dad taught me early on to take care of her, on the count of that they were workin’ all the time and didn’t have the money to take on help. I remember changin’ her diaper for the first time with my ma.
She made it a point to say so sternly: “Jimmy, you can’t get sick and cry ‘cause I aint gonna get sick and I aint gonna cry; we just don’t do that- understand?”
I didn’t know what she meant ‘till she’d already pulled down grandma’s drawers and opened up that shitty diaper. I tried so hard not to run away. Even when the puke started comin’ up my throat. I swallowed it back down cause I knew ma would never let me hear the end of it if I got it on her carpet or bed spreads.
It wasn’t exactly the shit that made me sick, or the piss. I’d seen that stuff before, it wasn’t that. But her crotch looked somethin’ aweful. All shriveled up and dry, stained with her own mess, the thick matted hair all gray and mangey lookin’ between her fat shriveled thighs.
I just figured I didn’t need to see that.
The thing is it got easier to do it. Just sorta grew cold to it after a while. I knew it had to be done, seein’ as me and grandma shared a room and I knew if I didn’t get to doin’ it my parents never would and I’d have to start livin’ in that filth myself.
It went like that for a few years goin’ good and all until one day we realized the stench wasn’t goin’ away with all the changes of diapers. At first I wasn’t gonna say nothin’ cause I figured ma and dad would just lay into me somethin’ fierce about not properly takin’ care of her. But it got bad and after a while there was no hidin’ it.
Ma was the first to notice the stench in the hall. By then I’d almost grown used to it, I was out in the the little lot behind our double wide that was supposed to be our back yard. I was sittin’ in the garden flippin’ through an old national geographic magazine I’d found in the closet. I looked at all those far off place with the people lookin’ so different. It all seemed so far away, so unreal. The thing I hated the most about it was they all seemed so happy in the pictures. Either happy or content, like they knew some meanin’.
That was when I heard ma screamin’ for me at the back door. She’d investigated the stench, but seein’ as I’d already changed the diaper she saw it wasn’t that and looked further. Took the bed sheets off, completely stripped her and that’s when she found the rot.
The doctor said her blood must’ve stopped reachin’ her feet for some time now, or somthin’ like that. He said they’d have to take off the left one up to the knee, the right one at the ankle. Of course it was all my fault as my dad saw it, so I had to start lookin’ for ways to start helpin’ pay for the hospital care. That’s when I started into the baby sittin’ business, the only real thing a boy my age could do ‘round here. That and walkin’ dogs. But most the folks there were old and had small dogs and they didn’t like me walkin’ them.
*
Jenna was my neighbor, she was, “as pretty as they come,” as my dad put it. But she got pregnant right after her dad died from a black widow bite on the count of him not getin’ any treatment for it on the count of them bein’ so broke. Her dad died and she got pregnant by Guss McComb from the other side of the trailer park. He was an alright guy, used to give me these small cigars to smoke sometimes when he and his boys would be sittin’ ‘round his drive way drinkin’ beers. He’d let me sit with them for a while and smoke, lookin’ tough while they talked about a lot of things I’d never heard of.
He and Jenna were a well known item round the park even though she was seventeen and he was twenty-three. She used to sing some song by that dead girl Aaliyah called “age ain’t nothin’ but a number”. She sounded real pretty when she sang and I liked it even though I always figured that age had to be somethin’ more than just a number though, cause why else would we put so much worry into how old we was?
Guss and Jenna started getin’ real close when Jenna’s dad died and her momma was spendin’ a lot of time in the city workin’ long hours at a job no one knew too much about, tryin’ to clean up the money mess her dead dad had left behind. Or so Jenna said. I don’t think she thought too highly of her momma. But she had loved her dad, that’s for sure.
Jenna sure was pretty back then, I figured that if I was older I would’ve wanted her to be my girl. But I knew I was just a shit little kid, so I watched her and Guss and it made me feel a little nice to be close to that kinda thing.
Guss said he took her clothes off. He said he took off her underwear and played with her parts. He asked me if I knew what a pussy was. He said it’s what girls got that we don’t. He said it felt good when we put our dicks in them, all that talk made mine get real stiff.
But all I could think about was that mangey gray matted mess between my grandma’s legs.
Guss said Jenna was a virgin. He said he liked virgins cause they had to be taught everythin’ and he liked teachin’ them. He said doin’ it with them was like tryin’ to hold a fish outta water the way they’d squirm…
*
Jenna cried real hard when she found out she was gonna have a baby. Guss did a lot of screamin’.
I was sittin’ out on the porch with one of Guss’ friends from the city. He gave me one of those cigars and I smoked it but it tasted real funny and made me feel weird. I got real thirsty and dizzy. I choked a bunch and did a whole lot of coughin’. Guss’ friend just laughed out clouds of white smoke that smelled like burnin’ plastic from somethin’ he was breathin’ in from a light bulb.
Guss and Jenna were in the kitchen, I could see them through the torn screen door. They were at each other’s throats. Jenna kept sobbin’ sayin’ she’d get a job but Guss kept sayin’ to just get rid of it.
I wanted to ask Guss’ friend what he meant by that but I was feelin’ too sick to speak.
Guss and Jenna stopped yellin’ and went into one of the back rooms of the double-wide. I figured they were goin’ to Guss’ room so their rucous wouldn’t be heard all around the lot.
Guss’ friend was done with the light bulb and was pickin’ at his face lookin’ at his reflection in the window. I spotted a big plastic soda cup full of water and grabbed it to kill my thirst. Right away, though, I choked and spat out a few cigarette butts and black ashy liquid.
Guss’ friend laughed lookin’ at my reflection next to his, but then he went right back to pickin’ at his face.
I figured that Guss and Jenna must’ve done some fierce fightin’ cause when they came back they looked awfuly tired. Jenna sat down on the ground beside me, she had a red tender spot on the middle of her right arm and she kept itchin’ her nose. She looked awefully worn out.
Guss asked his friend for somthin’ called a spliff, I figure he must’ve been talkin’ about what I had smoked earlier cause he made a motion toward me and Guss just laughed.
“Why you lil’ peckerwood!” he cried with a tired sorta smile, “I’ll need to remember to keep my eye on you.”
He bent over and kissed Jenna on top of her head real gentle. Then as he turned to go back in the double wide he lightly whack her on the back of the head as if to wake her up from her dreamin’ and said:
“Go, on get that boy home, we’ll talk ‘bout this later.”
Jenna lived just down the road from my double wide. As we walked she told me ‘bout when she and her dad used to sit around and listen to the radio. She said his favorite song was “Brown Eyed Girl” by some fella named Van Morrisson that I’d also heard my dad talk ‘bout. She said she used to dance for him all ‘round the livin’ room when that song come on. I think all that talk about her dead dad mad her sad cause she didn’t speak anymore about nothin’ after that until we reached the front of my trailer.
“Guss is just like daddy sometimes,” she said with eyes that looked like they were shinin’ and I wondered if she wasn’t gatherin’ up some tears.
That was the last time I saw her until the baby was born. They brought it home around thanksgivin’ when the leaves were beginnin’ to turn. A lil’ baby boy, they named him Keith. My momma and my dad took me over to Jenna’s house and it was just us, Jenna, Jenna’s momma, and Guss sittin’ ‘round the livin’ room lookin’ at the little thing. It looked real red and weak. It looked like it couldn’t think nothin’, it just glared with empty eyes and it’s tongue hangin’ out a little. It kinda made me think of my grandma…
Guss said I was gonna be the god father and they all laughed- ‘cept I think it was Jenna that had insisted and I think she was serious cause she wasn’t laughin’. Jenna had found a job at the wheat mill and Guss was fixin’ cars on top of doin’ other odd jobs no one got into the specifics about. But he had people stoppin’ in at his house all the time so I supposed he must’ve kept busy.
Either way, on the count of me needin’ the money and me bein’ so close to them I fell into takin’ care of the kid. I’d have to tend to my grandma, changin’ her diaper and makin’ sure she ate; and then go over and change Keith and make sure he was eatin’ too. I’d usually have to stay there with him or take him back to my double wide if grandma needed tendin’ to.
Guss and Jenna weren’t very friendly to each other anymore after Keith came along either. They’d always be fightin’, durin’ the time we did spend sittin’ on Guss’ porch or on his driveway, they’d be tearin’ into each other ‘bout somethin’ new all the time. Guss always had a bunch of different guys hangin’ ‘round there and they would smoke cigarettes or stuff in pipes and laugh and joke. They said the baby was the worst thing that ever happened to Keith and that he should sell it on somethin’ called the black market. I guess he could get a lot of money for it there.
But their fights always ended the same. They’d go in that back room for a while and come out all tired and Guss’d tell Jenna that he talk to her about it later and to take me home.
I figured maybe Guss should’ve sold that kid on the black market. It would’ve saved us all a lot of trouble. But I can’t complain much cause it got me outta the doublewide for most’ve the day, which was good cause grandma’d started actin’ real strange and would let out loud cries in the middle of the night and durin’ most of the day. My dad said it probably meant it was close to the end.
I figured that her life endin’ didn’t sound so bad at all by then.
*
One day I was watchin’ Keith at Jenna’s momma’s doublewide when Jenna stormed in unexpectedly, she walked back to her room and Guss ran in after her. There was an awful lot of commotion and Keith started cryin’ so I took him out on the porch and craddled him tryin’ to get him to stop. I kept sayin’ to him: “You can’t cry cause I can’t cry, we just don’t do that you understand?” but he just kept on cryin’. I was holdin’ him, cradlin’ him but he was screamin’ I kept sayin’: “You can’t cry, we don’t cry here- understand?” but it was doin no good.
Jenna and Guss had stopped screamin’ but doors were slammin’ inside. I heard them go into the bathroom, lock the door and turn the shower on.
Keith just kept screamin’ like if he screamed enough at me I’d make all the bad stuff in this world go away. But I just kept sayin’, “Stop your cryin’ we don’t cry here, understand? We don’t cry here you fuckin’ baby.”
The shower was mostly what was heard from inside the double wide but my head was in a whirl and Keith wouldn’t let up. I was bitin’ my lip real hard. In my mind I could hear the pumpin’ of the oxygen machine and see the green and red lights shinin’ so bright as I began to scream at the baby to over power his cryin’.
Then some weird cries came pourin’ out under the static of the shower runnin’. They were still havin’ little arguments though they were tryin’ to stop the anger with lust.
And Keith was still cryin’, so I just started shoutin’:
“We don’t fuckin’ cry here! You understand!? WE DON’T FUCKIN’ CRY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR SO GOD DAMN SPECIAL THINKIN’ YOU CAN COME HERE AND CRY WHEN NONE OF US ARE EVER ALLOWED TO!?”
But I noticed then that I was cryin’ too. And shakin. I was shakin’ the baby. And the cryin’ then that I was hearin’ was mine, not his. When I opened my eyes I saw the limp little body in my hands with drool drippin’ out it’s mouth, snot pourin’ out it’s nose, it’s eyes all wide and black. Lifeless.
I didn’t know what to do. I said his name over and over, tryin to get him to snap outta it, and even though I knew he was dead I couldn’t help but feel like this was all just a joke.
The shower was still sprayin’ inside so I knew I still had time to figure out what I was gonna do. I was surprised at how little I panicked after comin’ down from that freak out and gainin’ my reality back through necessity. I felt real cold and suddenly a lil’ bit alive. Like I’d just been waitin’ for somethin’ that annoyin’ to push me to do somethin’ that wrong and break down my life.
I knew then that I’d have to lie a bunch. I knew I would never get blamed for this and it would be my favorite secret that I’d keep ‘till the end. I knew I couldn’t hide him anywhere, I knew I couldn’t do anything ‘cept to make it look like an accident that I had nothin’ to do with.
I took him inside and put him in his crib. I closed his eyes and straightened his head and covered him with a blanket. He looked just like any other normal sleepin’ baby did. I figured they might even blame it on that crib death I’d read about in the national geographic magazine. I went out on the porch and found a stub of one of them small cigars and lit it up.
Smokin’ those made me feel real grown up. I could feel myself growin cold inside.
After a while the bathroom door opened, Guss went to the bedroom and Jenna came out to the porch in a pink robe with a towel wrapped ‘round her head. She asked me where Keith was and I shushed her and pointed at the crib to say he was sleepin’. She looked awfully tired again, and she was itchin’ her nose somethin’ aweful. She pulled out two cigarettes and lit them both givin’ one to me, so I threw that old cigar stub out onto the lawn.
I rarely got to smoke cigarettes, but I took to it quickly puffin’ to try to forget there was a dead baby inside waitin’ to be found. Jenna looked real drowsy, like she was about to fall asleep sittin’ there smokin’. But she started talkin’, and she seemed to like the sound of herself talkin’ cause she just started outta nowhere and went on ‘bout things we didn’t usually talk about.
“It’s all bad Jimmy,” she said soundin’ sick. “The world’s turned rotten.”
I just sat there quiet thinkin’ about my grandmas rottin’ body. Rottin’ alive. I started thinkin’ about how soon Keith’d be rottin’ too. And the how Guss and Jenna and me and Jenna’s momma and my momma and my dad- we’d all be rottin’ one day.
Jenna started itchin’ her nose. She opened her heavy eyes a little bit and held out her hand with her pinky finger extended.
“I’m gonna tell you somethin’” she said, “but you gotta pinky swear on your balls that you won’t tell no one.”
I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew that whatever she had to tell me couldn’t possibly be as bad as what she’d eventually have to find out. I felt like she had to get somethin’ off her chest, so I hooked her pinky with mine and swore to silence. I figured it’d be the least I could do after accidently killin’ her Keith.
“Keith ain’t Guss’ kid.” She said. “I knew I was pregnant before I ever let Guss touch me.”
Somewhere in the park I heard a bunch of dogs start barking somethin’ vicious, up in the sky the coulds were getting’ real brown and it looked like rain.
“My ma had been hookin’ ever since my pa up and died.” She was leanin’ back in the chair with a tired look of disgust on her face. “Truth is, she brought a man home not too long ago who’d done her up real bad. Had her tide up in the bath tub and stuck shampoo bottles up her ass.
When he was done with her she was unconscious for couple hours. And he camed to my room an’ had his way with me. I was too sick to fight it on the count of the medicine Guss gives me.”
I’d never heard her mention “the medicine” before until that moment, even though it didn’t make sense I didn’t bother askin’ questions.
“Guss’d been tryin’ to get in my pants for two years but I’d always fought off his advances. Thought I was gonna wait ‘till I was eighteen so we could get married, I wanted to get outta here. My momma never said nothin’ to me about that man, I guess she thought he’d just left after havin’ his way with her, and I didn’t want to say nothin’ cause I know how hard momma’s been workin’.”
She took a drag from her cigarette and exhaled a thick cloud of smoke.
“Besides, when I found out I had a bun in the oven I had a plan right away,” she looked at me sinisterly and went on, “I knew Guss wouldn’t’ve had anythin’ to do with me if I wasn’t no virgin, so I told him right after I found out that I was ready. We did it and a few days later I told him the news. Poor guy had no reason to think other wise. I been tryin’ to make it as easy as possible for him, but I just had to find a way to make sure he’d marry me.”
I had been chewin’ on the filter of my cigarette outta fear and it’d turned into a shredded mess in my mouth.
“Truth is I’d thought it’d be fine, but I can’t live like this no more.” She said takin’ a drag from her cigarette, lettin’ the long ash fall onto her robe- she seemed to be fallin’ more and more into dowsiness. “I been spendin’ lots of time tryin’ to find my momma’s money, I finally found out she’s been keepin’ it in the hallowed out bible under her bed. I figure when she has enough I’ll take it and me and Keith could run to California or New Mexico and try to get a new start.”
She started seemin’ real tired, real real tired, she let her head hang a little to the side. “I love keith…he’s such a perfect…..lil’ baby…..boy….” she said in a childish voice that gave me the shivers as she trailed off to sleep.
I snuffed out what was left of my cigarette, walked over to her and shook her gently to see if she would easily wake up but she didn’t. I reached in her robe pockets hopin’ to find anythin’. I felt real sick for some reason, I think all that explainin’ Jenna did made me see things the way they really was and I kinda just realized that everyone was just tryin’ to get by. Everyone had ways to trick others into helpin’ their lives roll along. It was like one big tricky family that I no longer wanted anythin’ to do with.
I a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from one pocket, in the other pocket I found a needle, like the kind they use at the hospitals to give people shots. I guess that’s what she and Guss used to do their medicine. I put it back in her pocket and went inside.
I walked into Jenna’s momma’s bed room where Guss was passed out half naked on the fold out sofa bed. He was snorin’ awefully loud so I just walked right in and didn’t take no time to think about nothin’. I found the bible under the bed and opened it, inside the hallow there was a large stack of bills- mostly hundreds. There was also little pouches of powder and some tary lookin’ stuff wrapped in shrink wrap. I took the money and the powder but left the gooey shit and put the bible back under the bed.
One bag of powder was white and the other was yellow. I didn’t much know ‘bout drugs but I’d seen those crime shows where criminals always put tiny lines on a mirror and breathed it up their noses so I figured I could get the hang of it real quick.
On my way out I stopped and took one last look at Keith. He was getin’ real blue by then and a little bile had come up and started pourin’ out his mouth. I stood over him and thought- what makes you so special, thinkin’ you could come here and cry when none of us is allowed to? Then I covered him up with the blanket and walked outta the trailer. Jenna was still passed out and her bath robe was comin’ undone, she’d gained a bit of weight while she was holdin’ the baby and the stretch marks were still jagged and purple on her soft while belly. I could just barely see one of her tits hangin’ there, I stroked it for a second and then I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. That was the first real time I’d ever kissed a girl, and I think it only felt right cause with the towel comin’ undone off her head she looked like she was already dead.
I walked back to my double wide. My parents weren’t gonna be home for a long while so I knew I could take my time to escape.
Somehow, then, the idea of not seein’ them ever again began to sound like somethin’ special to me. I threw some of my old ratty clothes in a napsack, along with some old national geographic magazines. I counted out the money and figured I had to have enough to get me somewhere. Jenna’s momma must’ve worked awefully hard.
Before I left to make my way to the bus station that was three miles down the farm road I took my dads old CD walk man and searched through the dusty stack of CD’s he kept under the work bench out in the small shed behind our double wide. I’d never been one to listen to music but I knew my dad was, and I knew Jenna and her dad was too. I found Van Morrison’s greatest hits and put it in, I had to change the batteries cause they were all white and caked with acid.
Eventually I got it started and put “Brown Eyed Girl” on repeat. I was about to walk out the double wide and leave that park for good, when I thought about somethin’ and turned back. I went into my room and set the napsack down. I took my pillow off my bed and went over to my grandma’s bed. She’d been hooked up to that machine all my life. It felt like I spent my whole like cleanin’ up other people’s messes. I felt real alive then, cause it felt like I was finally makin’ the messes.
It seemed real peaceful then when Van sang: “Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah- La dee dah!”
I took the oxygen mask off grandma’s face and covered it with the pillow. I held it there while the machines started seemin’ to panic. She only twitched weakly, but I could tell that in some way she knew what was up. So I held it there, I didn’t let up till the spasms stopped and everythin’ seemed to go cold. That’s when I lifted up the pillow and smelled the smell that told me she’d shit herself when she died.
But I felt fine, cause I knew I didn’t have to change that diaper no more, or any others for that matter. And I seemed real calm, especially since she didn’t cry. Because I couldn’t cry.
And in my ears Van Morrison sang:
“Do you remember when, we used to sing-
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
La dee dah”.
-August 18, 2009
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